She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. She promised herself that she would try to stop from spacing out often. The never-ceasing pain in her heart clawing ever harder, trying to claw its way wider until there would be nothing left of her than pain, memories and tears.
Clutching the fourth sheet of paper, she tried to start again.
I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself knowing it was our memories that I’d be living. It would be unfair for you. And I
She stopped midway through finishing a sentence. Her head was pounding again. She gripped the pen tighter, her knuckles pink with the exertion. It didn’t matter, then. It would be better that way.
With that thought as her final decision, she crumpled the paper and threw it carelessly on the bin just below her bed. It missed the bin, along with three other crumpled, unfinished letters that suffered the same fate.
“Bree, come on. What’re you doing just sitting there? Your plane is leaving,” Ben, her best friend since 6th grade, pulled her suitcase upright and stared at her as if she has gone bollocks.
“I was, um, thinking.” She looked up, shaken out of her reverie. “Sorry,” she cringed inwardly as she saw the pity in her best friend’s eyes. She grinned, “Come here, Ben.” Brianna stood up and tried to hug him despite her left hand wrapped in a cast. “I really do love you.”
“Remember what we talked about. You can’t be tied down by promises that are no longer there. You have to let yourself go. You have to. Forgive yourself. There was nothing you could have done to stop it from happening. It was his choice, and he told you that himself, did he not? After everything. You have to. You have to help yourself. Because I love you and we all love you and we don’t want to see you slowly crumbling away. You don’t need to do it for us, but we can’t do the healing for you. You need to do it for yourself and you’ll get there eventually. Got that?”
“I told you a dozen times, Ben. I’m okay. See?” she shrugged and smiled, doing a 360-degree turn for Ben’s disapproving assessment of her current state.
“Yep,” he shook his head as he bit his lower lip in mock approval. “Very convincing, Bree. Like really.” He rolled his eyes and pushed her towards the departure area.
Ben placed his hand inside pocket, feeling the folded letter with his hands. It felt so heavy, knowing if Brianna read it she would be hurt all over again, back to square one. He’s not going to give the letter. What she doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt her any longer. Letters of explanations aren’t justifiable after everything. He supposed it would be unfair, and that it wasn’t his right to hide it from her. But it doesn’t matter now. She finally chose to let go. And that was the right thing to do.
He looked up just in time as she looked back at him and waved. “Be happy, Brianna Allison Hayes!” He yelled, giving his pocket one last tap.
Taking a deep breath, she looked back at the people milling about and wondered if these people are the same people that they were years ago. No one ever is. No one is ever the same person that they were before.
Taking a deep breath, she plastered her best smile on her face and nodded at Ben, never mind that he wouldn’t be able to see it from this distance.